y mama...(9/8)

A meal...(28/9)

Everyday, there is a norm of having three meals, namely a breakfast, a lunch and a dinner...the objective of such meals is to eat and fill in any necessary nutrition the body is required. There are prescriptions from the medical authority on how to balance a diet or how to get the maximum ingredients a body would need. There is a study on nutrition and there are professionals who work on the research of it. In a social scene, it is also a collective action plan when people gather around the table to talk, exchange, enjoy and share the food they acquire. This is a group memory since the embryonic stage of human civilisation...
I have some meals every single day, and depending on the occasions, I practise different kinds of nutrition intake exercise. My family taught me a habitual meaning of having a dinner together with other family members - a traditional Chinese way of reunion. Since my childhood, the belief of having such reunion dinner has been a proof of an existence of the family. It was usually a weekly function that united a sense of cohesiveness in the family. We did not talk much, we ate. We put on the TV to produce a harmonised and warm atmosphere for good food. This became a ritual and we followed.
My Parisian life offers me a very independent and quiet enjoyment which I shall be missing soon. I prepare eatable combo of protein and carbohydrates when I stay at home in the evening. I have my good time working on things that I focus on during the meal. It's an expression of my time management. I try to recycle the circuit of alternate food mix and combination. I try to seek for more spiritual nutrition for my body and my soul.
This evening, I was invited to join a dinner of the group. Unexpectedly, the meal not only fed me up but it gave me a weird feeling of touch. I witnessed a 'gathering' of dinner with my physical presence, and it was echoed with harmonic senses of 'being together'. I do not recall the last time when I had this kind of feeling. It was like a family, and the people along the table shared not just good food but good wishes and care. It was tranquil and pure. Perhaps there has not been much chance that I have such feeding of a care-free meal...

Wish I was small...(27/7)

This was a very close touch with him again since long time ago. It was supposed to be a rush time from the beginning. Perhaps we were late already. Time does not always follow our wish...we tried to run as much as our heart could support, and the way forward was full of obstacles and unwanted blockage. My power was translated into shout and scream. I asked all the three to hurry. They followed my will, and I could see their faces of worry and nervousness. My presence brought them some assurance and confidence, at least I truly felt the sentiment. We were carrying the heavy loads of unknown. We kept turning and the air was thin. The passage was crowded and embedded with unmemorable noise and dizziness. We reached the box office at an impossible pulse. I asked the two to continue to climb up the pier, leaving behind me and him. He was not into the environment, and I knew that he never did this. I went to help. There were two babies sitting at the corner of the hall, and they looked very cute. Perhaps their moments would be long and content. All the rest of the people followed the system in their own way, and this was a space with limits and obedience. He was nervous but luckily we bought the tickets. We were a step away from the success. I searched for a trolley to transport all the loads and burdens. I got a small one. I was about to leave the little bags of refillable items that could be found on the cruise, and he refused. He said that it would be useful for mum. This was a natural but powerful voice to me, and at that moment, I found the meaning of to be. Was this called love? I had no memory of hearing this before. I respected him. We ran to the pier, and actually it was closer than what I imagined. The world seemed easier after the recognition of to be. I explained to the controller that I was only bringing the cart to the ‘departers’. I was admitted to enter the restricted area. He was standing by the landing board of the cruise and he smiled in an introvert sense to me. My receptiveness then responded to a thunder-like sound of horn. The cruise displaced away from the boarding platform with an exaggerated speed. He was facing to me and he did not realise the departure instantly. Left the loads and bags status quo, he climbed up the spiral staircases next to him to the top of the steps. His head pointed to the deep sea and he looked still. I was scared, and I was helpless. No one appeared to be as uncomfortable as me in the scene. I shouted at the controller for solution and I maximised my voice to remind him, "in five minutes, another cruise will arrive". It was after some moments that he connected to me again, and slowly, he sat down on the step. He was melancholy, and the last moment to me was the sea breezes trying to wake his hair up. From the beginning to the end, I had an unreachable distance with him, even if I felt so close. Sadly, this is the moment in another world of dreams, and here, he and I exist in the same world. How pathetic.

Load Down...(9/6)

This was a moment after a floating up from the dreamy swamp...I was still recognising my consciousness from the no man's land. Cutting the edge, I found a beam of light from the faraway sun staring at my deja-vu tails of dream. It was like a submarine sail. The moment was touching. It was the remaining seconds from a film by Spielberg in A.I. I was connected. It was a space with a mum and a son - short and quiet, long and grand. It was some kind of laidback and unenergised. I was feeling, and this used to be the way I react to the world. A responsive act to look into a strategy to play or a defensive system. Sometimes I question myself. Other times, myself does this to me. It's a never ending dialogue. I took a close up to the facial expression of a familiar face, and I recognised immediately the blow-away moments with the scaring orbits. Was it sad? I sensed an approach to the so-called ending. Was it an exit or was it an entrance? An old-fashioned question that does not need an answer. These were the two moments about a relationship that has rooted inside me since my first dose of nutrition.

Home...(5/2)

What is a home? A place where you live, a shelter where you stay in storm, a habitat where the settings are according to your design and desire...home sweet home, home way home...A word becoming stranger and stranger, blurred and blunted. When the edge of a homeland is fading in the sight of a self, a thought or a sign can determine how something has been lost taking into account some gain acquired. Norm is something that has formulated a rule and custom after repeated occurrence and acceptance. When a change of environment twists the angle of perspective, a sentiment of variation takes place simply like a process of cell mutation. When the present meets the past, a collusion cracks. I revisited some places in the past, and I dropped my memory from the sub-consciousness. Am I the one I am? Is there something there is? A trace of light in the shadow can be a repeated process for a search of a homeland where I would be staying in. Homing home.